Author's Diction~Vipin Behari Goyal: Goodbye Letter To CC

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Goodbye Letter To CC

We look before and after, And pine for what is not. ~Shelley

Dear C_C

I worship, suffering. Especially when it comes from my own beloved people. I wonder on the means of my sufferings, because the causes are universal. Like all other human beings, I too have expectations and attachment. Therefore, I never presume my life to be devoid of suffering.

When our relationship was caught in an ennui, I knew either of us would take a step to terminate it. One with more self esteem would take a lead. So it had to be you. Being a good friend of the mirror, I knew almost everything about me. I do not know how people who have scarcely met me a few times or for a few days, claim to know more about me. Even you, not because you had other priorities, but because of your innocence, ignored what was vital to our relationship. Your moves and gestures betrayed what was going in your mind.

I refused to be a nucleus of your life, just because it would have killed either of us. There is no doubt that my suffering is due to my habit of seeing you around. First, you made yourself indispensable and then you walked away just like that.

I cherish this suffering and I would not be scared if happiness knocks at my door again and then leave me more bruised and hurt. I have surfed on the waves by choice. Sea has his own way of reciprocating love. Just like you. I really want a big wave to finish the story. To die choked by water and being eaten up by fishes. Life may be purposeless, but not the death.

Your intellectualism did not permit me to call you by any pet names. I know you hate being called ‘Darling”. I too think it to be obscene. But I do not understand why you always spoke in masculine gender. Why you were afraid of accepting your femininity? Innocence and insecurity go together, except in children. Even experience does not make you mature, otherwise you would not have made the same mistakes so many times. Maturity is just another name of cunnings. I can never fall in love with a cunning girl.

You always pretend to be a strong girl. Sometimes I could look into your eyes and know that you have cried. Crying is not a weakness, only strong persons are not afraid of crying. Your heart is butter, I have felt its smoothness, it melts even by little warmth, catches fire and gives burns.

Thankfully, we were honest with each other. Though both of us exaggerated while recollecting past. May be because we loved melodrama. Even we departed in a dramatic way. You said, “It does not matter, I go this way or that way”. Your kit was on my porch even though I had requested you to stay. For a moment, I thought you were playing a game. I immediately felt guilty to doubt your intentions. Your eyes were clear and honest. It really did not matter for you at that fraction of a moment. I knew what was best for you. To move. You have to melt tones of ice, before you could breathe normally. I bid you farewell with a heavy heart. Not even a goodbye kiss. I was afraid.

I still laugh when I remember how easily you accused me. You said you feel insecure of sexual assault with me and I refrained you from projecting your dirty mind on my character. Did you really think I could molest you? You are tempting, no doubt, but I have nothing to gain and much to lose. Though once or twice, I crossed the line and could feel your discomfort.

You have wonderful art of telling stories. But I am also worried about the way you tell a story. You are intense and sensitive. You relive every moment while telling a story. No CC No.  You have to detach and look at your past objectively. You have set your feet for a long journey, don’t change your path for trivial emotions. I miss you, so many people miss you. You also miss many of us; we are at your back. You are safe even if you fall back, but we all pray that you never fall back.


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©  Vipin Behari Goyal

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