Goodbye Letter To CC

We look before and after, And pine for what is not. ~Shelley

Dear C_C

I worship, suffering. Especially when it comes from my own beloved people. I wonder on the means of my sufferings, because the causes are universal. Like all other human beings, I too have expectations and attachment. Therefore, I never presume my life to be devoid of suffering.

When our relationship was caught in an ennui, I knew either of us would take a step to terminate it. One with more self esteem would take a lead. So it had to be you. Being a good friend of the mirror, I knew almost everything about me. I do not know how people who have scarcely met me a few times or for a few days, claim to know more about me. Even you, not because you had other priorities, but because of your innocence, ignored what was vital to our relationship. Your moves and gestures betrayed what was going in your mind.

I refused to be a nucleus of your life, just because it would have killed either of us. There is no doubt that my suffering is due to my habit of seeing you around. First, you made yourself indispensable and then you walked away just like that.

I cherish this suffering and I would not be scared if happiness knocks at my door again and then leave me more bruised and hurt. I have surfed on the waves by choice. Sea has his own way of reciprocating love. Just like you. I really want a big wave to finish the story. To die choked by water and being eaten up by fishes. Life may be purposeless, but not the death.

Your intellectualism did not permit me to call you by any pet names. I know you hate being called ‘Darling”. I too think it to be obscene. But I do not understand why you always spoke in masculine gender. Why you were afraid of accepting your femininity? Innocence and insecurity go together, except in children. Even experience does not make you mature, otherwise you would not have made the same mistakes so many times. Maturity is just another name of cunnings. I can never fall in love with a cunning girl.

You always pretend to be a strong girl. Sometimes I could look into your eyes and know that you have cried. Crying is not a weakness, only strong persons are not afraid of crying. Your heart is butter, I have felt its smoothness, it melts even by little warmth, catches fire and gives burns.

Thankfully, we were honest with each other. Though both of us exaggerated while recollecting past. May be because we loved melodrama. Even we departed in a dramatic way. You said, “It does not matter, I go this way or that way”. Your kit was on my porch even though I had requested you to stay. For a moment, I thought you were playing a game. I immediately felt guilty to doubt your intentions. Your eyes were clear and honest. It really did not matter for you at that fraction of a moment. I knew what was best for you. To move. You have to melt tones of ice, before you could breathe normally. I bid you farewell with a heavy heart. Not even a goodbye kiss. I was afraid.

I still laugh when I remember how easily you accused me. You said you feel insecure of sexual assault with me and I refrained you from projecting your dirty mind on my character. Did you really think I could molest you? You are tempting, no doubt, but I have nothing to gain and much to lose. Though once or twice, I crossed the line and could feel your discomfort.

You have wonderful art of telling stories. But I am also worried about the way you tell a story. You are intense and sensitive. You relive every moment while telling a story. No CC No.  You have to detach and look at your past objectively. You have set your feet for a long journey, don’t change your path for trivial emotions. I miss you, so many people miss you. You also miss many of us; we are at your back. You are safe even if you fall back, but we all pray that you never fall back.

Adieu

VBG

Letter  2 

Letter  3
Letter 4
Letter 5

Read more articles here

©  Vipin Behari Goyal

Make -Up Your Break-Up

The worst is Over: Make-Up your Break-Up©

Pexels

Makeup is multidimensional phenomenon and you have to exhaust all possible aspects of it to get rid of the hangover of break up.

Easier said than done. So far there was a hope "Everything is going to turn out fine", "It is a temporary phase, we would come out of it", "We will forgive and forget", "Happy days are just around the corner", "It's a nightmare. It's not real" was the game you were playing with your mind.

Here are few remedies:

1. Allow Precipitation:

Pexels

It takes time to precipitate. The more you were caught in the whirlwind the more time it is likely to take. The world was not spinning, you just imagined it. When precipitation is over you can see the things clearly. You may exclaim "Oh, My God, was I blind not to see it before. No you were not! You were just caught in the spell of a Magician.

Learn to play tricks of Magician here.

2. Travel Far and Wide:

The farther you go, better you would feel. Antarctica is not a great destination. Choose a country which is rich in history, culture and social values. A poor country would change your perspective. You will be amazed how people are coping with the failures of life. Travel like a traveler and not like a tourist. Even if you are rich travel by ordinary means of transport, stay in cheaper lodges and mingle with local people.

If the country has spiritual heritage, it could change you dramatically and drastically.

Read one story here

3. Pull or Push:

To come out of the situation you are strangled in, either you have to Push or Pull. It is not an ordinary dilemma, but a Metaphysical one. The option is to choose between "Free Will" and "Determinism". Either take the responsibility for the situation you are in or accept it as your destiny.

You can read how it affects your life here.

4. Paper has more patience than People:

Pen it down ! Whatever, and of course whatever is your exact feelings, pen them down. Do not relive those moments, you are already over them. Be a spectator and see what happened as a third person. It is Catharsis and it is going to calm down your nerves.

5. Read Best Literature:

 Read the best literature of the World. Ultimately a book will land in your hands that would give you more solace than anything you have tried so far.

Some of the best books are "The end of affair " by Graham Green "Licks of Love" by John Updike and "The company she keeps" by Mary McCarthy. Read some Philosophical books like "Why bad things happen to good people" by Harold Kushner and "Notes from the underground" by Fyodor Dostoevsky.

What else Make-Up means:

The most simple meaning is to apply Cosmetics especially to the face. So do that. It is strange. You are melancholic but a light make up would enhance your beauty. Otherwise also, human look more glamorous when desolate. Gloom is aesthetic emotion. You have a chance to test the aesthetics of the people around you.

Second, Make-Up means  'be reconciled after a quarrel'. Though you have already ruled out this possibility and have made up your mind that you can not be together even if you are the only Homo  Sapiens left on Earth. Despite our all despise the chance exists.

Third, Make Up for lost time. It's ages since you lost contact with your real world. You have ignored your friends and  relatives who really cared for you, for a stranger. Its high time you patch up with them. They would understand, or maybe they would care more. Also make up for lost time with your hobbies. Read the half finished book with a mark, waiting eagerly to be touched by you. Take care of your garden that once you reared so carefully. Mow the lawn, weed out as you have weeded out memories, water the plants and talk to your favorite trees. Say sorry that you ignored them all the while.

Most important meaning of Make-Up is 'the physical, mental, and moral character of a person'. So this is the Acid Test of your character.

Its high time you prove yourself.

Part I here 

Wish You A Happy Break-Up :You Deserve Better

Part II here

Wish you happy Break-Up: Real Life -Style

© Vipin Behari Goyal

Excerpts from his Book "The Worst is Over"

Author is also Advocate at Rajasthan High Court, Jodhpur

Read more at: http://vipinbeharigoyal.blogspot.in/

Wish You A Happy Break-Up :You Deserve Better

                            Myth of Made for Each Other

In many Tribal Communities and now advance communities Polyamory or Polyfidelitous, where more than two persons consent for Group Marriage depending upon their sexual orientation, would lead to an alternate society. It could be a Line Marriage if both partners agree to invite any third person of either gender to be a part of the family to save their stale marriage life.

Two great Indian Epics Ramayana and Mahabharata have many examples of such group marriages. In Ramayana Bali and Sugriva who were twin tribal brothers had Tara as their wife, father of Rama had three wives and in Mahabharata Five brothers had one wife and Krishna had innumerable wives.

Materialism has made human egocentric and possessive. He has become bundles of the negative qualities of other animals. Made for each other is a myth which suits aristocratic apologists who were anti feminist and were always scared of powerful women. In other words, the authority of church or any religious institution to provide a certificate of approval and declare loving couple as 'man and wife' till death do them apart, was a conspiracy of the society.

This complementary relationship with ' The other half ' or ' Better half ' is Utopian which is fictional in origin. Art and literature, especially poetry was invented by Man to appease women for ulterior motives. Woman at a point of time acts naive and is flattered to the advantage of man.

From Buddha (Unfathomably deep, deep like a fish course in the water is the character of a woman)  to Freud ('The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?" - Sigmund Freud: Life and Work)  women were proclaimed to be mysterious, not because they are, but because it helps  promoting chauvinism and gender-superiority.

Acknowledge these Five types of relationship which always exists when Dynamics of any Relationship are explored (explained in detail in the book "Worst is Over")

1. Sustainable Relationship: Are those relationships which 'takes less and gives more'. They lead to enrichment and nourishment of relationship.

2. Love-Hate Relationship: More you love, more likely you would hate. They go together. Some exercises may help you identify the proportion of each in your relationship.

3. Vacuumised Relationship: Why do you prefer to buy vacuumised packs of eatables. They keep the things fresh. That is how a vacuumised relationship always remains fresh.

4. Oedipus-Electra Relationship: Woman searches the quality of her father and Man searches for the qualities of his mother in their  relationship. It leads them to disappointment in each other.

5. Naturalistic Relationship: Relationship would grow only if it is naturalistic and leads to emptiness or quiescence. When the pendulum is going on one side, it is gaining energy to reach on the other side.

Dynamics of Organizational behavior are easy to handle, but the dynamics of the relationship between two individuals has more dimensions than one can imagine.

As it is said  "Better Luck Next Time"

© Vipin Behari Goyal

Excerpts from his Book "The Worst is Over"

Author is also Advocate at Rajasthan High Court, Jodhpur

Read more at: http://vipinbeharigoyal.blogspot.in/

Wish you happy Break-Up: Real Life -Style

                       Dynamics of Healthy and Sick Relationship

Pixabay

Graphs are great instruments to understand the phenomenon of life. Just like Yantra in Hinduism is a geometrical representation of  Mantra, embodiment of power house to recharge the battery of life, similarly  graph also help  in understanding  the contours of life.

The journey at Plateau from Point B to Point D is very important. It is not necessary, you would have only one dip at Point C, on the contrary the road is quite bumpy and it is more important that after every dip both the individuals feel a growth as a human being, which is the ultimate object of any relationship.

As we have seen earlier all relationships have different equation, so they have different remedies to rectify the imbalance. As our body yearns for harmony so does all relationship tends to be harmonious. We can only generalize some of the most common factors causing imbalance:

1. Boredom: One of the most common cause is boredom. If both the partners are creative and innovative, they soon find out a way to kill the boredom and head ahead.. If both are non creative, they may not feel that boredom has crept in and would be killed by it unknowingly. If either of them is creative he/she has a greater amount of trouble than the first two types. The non creative partner acts as dead weight and all the efforts made by creative one are laughed at and ridiculed.

2. Aggression: Second deadly emotion is aggression. It does not mean being aggressive towards your partner. It means 'Aggressive Life Style'. It means 'snatching by walking into the other's territory'. If either of the partners has aggressive life style and other is not extraordinarily meek, they would quarrel in public like two crazy people and if another partner is meek he /she would slip out of bed one fine night and walk away.

3. Satirical: Being satirical is worse than domestic violence victimization. Domestic violence has lots of support from society and law, but you can't call the Police if your partner has just passed a satirical comment leaving you speechless and battered. The quality of satires may vary depending upon the intellectual level of couple. A single satire in appropriate situation may lead to the breakup. The idea is to control the desire to pass a satire or revert back with a satire. It could save a relationship.

4. Consensual:  Consensual couple is likely to break up earlier. Being always consensual starts sending red signals and if the other partner is not an asshole he would know that their relationship is now terminable at any moment. Nagging is not the remedy or could be worse. The idea is to suggest something better or to come out with a better alternative to the proposal of your partner, not to make him feel inferior, but to show that there is application of mind on your part also. If done tactfully it could lead to a magical relationship.

5. Timidity: The moment your partner realizes that you are very  timid, he/she  would emotionally blackmail you, till you collapse in self pity. If you are not brave, you can't pretend to be brave all the time. But you have to take a stand once a while and stick to it with firmness. Your partner would be agitated by such unpredictable behavior, but it would leave him amazed and you could see a new respect in his/her eyes for you.

Past, howsoever bitter it may be has sweet memories. So, cherish the memories of all that happened between you, when the graph after Point D would take up an upward turn and take your relationship to a new height.

Other related Post
Make-Up Your Break Up 
Myth of Made for Each Other                                                                                                                            

© Vipin Behari Goyal

Excerpts from his Book "The Worst is Over"

Author is also Advocate at Rajasthan High Court, Jodhpur

Read more at: http://vipinbeharigoyal.blogspot.in/

Wish you a Happy Break-Up: In Literary Style

                Ten Rules Related to Breakups

"Nothing would have delighted me more than to hear that she was sick, unhappy, dying."-The End of the Affair by Graham Greene

If you think your relationship is heading towards a breakup, you have already reached there.

Now it's only the matter of Time.

Thumb Rule is 'The Earlier the Better"

It may sound callous, but it's a hard fact that early acknowledgement saves your self esteem and hurt does not bleed excessively. Here are the Ten Commandments that effect Adam-Eve Relationship.

1. Arithmetic of Relationship:  

Howsoever we may despise to admit the fact this age old institution of "relationship between opposite sex" is governed by certain Theories of Arithmetic". The Basic principle of  2+2=4 applies to this relationship also. When in love or possessed by love the couple starts believing that 1+1=1. This is an undeniable eternal truth that  two different entities if merge to become one, they have to lose all the earlier attributes attached to the identity created consciously or subconsciously to project a self-image.  

Ultimately, any effort  to violate the Rules of Arithmetic is futile and the temporary Unification leads to permanent Diversification.

Avoid  'I is you' and 'You is me'  feeling at any cost. Remain two islands connected by a bridge of Love, if you want your relationship to be eternal.

2. Search for the Philosophy of relationship:

 As no two individuals are alike, so are no two relationships alike in the whole world. 'Every couple in Love' is governed by a different and unique philosophy that defines their relationship. 

Never imitate a character of a novel you liked most, any actor or actress you are influenced with in real or on screen life, your friends or foes.

It is one of the most difficult parts. Because our logical part of the mind is diagonally  opposite to emotional mind and it needs two minds to draw an understanding of a Philosophy, to which both of them agree. If it is achieved, you are glued forever.

3. Possessiveness versus Permissiveness: 

The root cause of all evils is 'Me' and 'Mine'. The attachment can best be enjoyed by a detached outlook on life. Like a drop of water on a lotus leaf. It is there without soaking leaf. It is easier said than done. It is a mental state or 'Conditioning of mind to be Unconditioned.' 

Like all great things come from perseverance, this mental state also comes by hard toil.

All attachments are like wound on a dog. He loves to lick them. Don't lick your wounds. Do not draw any sadistic pleasure out of it. It is pettiest to have a self pity. You simply didn't own what you have lost. How can you regret losing something that was not yours.

The first moment when one realizes being possessive should act immediately to overcome it. The cure usually lies in the ailment itself. The act of your partner that made you jealous, gave a pang in your heart or made you melancholic, grant him permission to act like that. Initially, it may look hard, but gradually you would feel that you are more in control of the situation than your partner is.

Chances are that your partner would feel guilty and would come back to you.

Do not cry in either of the situation. If at all you need to, do it privately with lot of Tissue Paper around, but never search for a shoulder when you want to cry, and at least never on the shoulder of your partner.

4. Life is Journey, Relationships are Conveyance:

Look at it like this. Life is long beautiful journey and it passes through different terrains, which makes the whole journey an interesting adventure.

Some conveyances are God gifted and others you can choose. Those we are born with are most easy to handle. Since we have no alternatives for those relations, we learn to accept them by birth. Even if there is some superficial change like Break-Up of parents the relation by blood never ends.

One must own the responsibility of having chosen a relationship. Usually the defense-mechanism of the mind does not permit us to take the responsibility and a blame game ensues.

5. Stretch your Plateau: 

See the chart. The intensity of the relationship decreases with the passage of time. You have to expand the plateau that is the span, when you have maximum intensity for each other. Most of the relationship recedes to E after the first depression at C. If both are wise, they work out the cause and mend the relationship which makes it more sound.

Read Part 2: Myth of Made for Each Other

Read Part 3: Dynamics of Relationship

                                                                     

© Vipin Behari Goyal

Excerpts from his Book "The Worst is Over"

Author is also Advocate at Rajasthan High Court, Jodhpur

Read more at: http://vipinbeharigoyal.blogspot.in/